Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I am wandering more than ever

SPD.  Sensory Processing Disorders.  One of those things you know nothing about unless you go looking.  We knew that Silas was "at-risk" for many things since he was a preemie and sensory issues was one.  It wasn't one that seemed worrisome when looking at possible heart malfunctions or vision problems but it is one that has taken over our lives.  I knew early on that there was something.  something different.  But he's so smart and funny and cute.  There couldn't possibly be anything worng with such a perfect boy.  He is perfect. But not.   He's one he really should be feeding himself.  Why won't he play in the sand.  Why does he cry everytime we wash his hair.  He really needs to have his teeth brushed more. No, he can't wear those socks, they hurt.  No , he needs the soft pants.  That shirt still has a tag.  He's 3, he really should be feeding himself.  Why is he so angry?  There are so many things that you can't even think about because you are just trying to get through the day as painlessly as possible for everyone.  I think I want to share this journey but I am not sure yet.  It's hard.

Monday, August 13, 2012

My Dilemma

When I start to brag about how smart Silas is, I feel bad because I feel like I am trying to rub it in people's faces that my kid is a genius.  Sometimes, I am, but that is not what this post is about.  This is about my genuine lack of not knowing what to do next. 

When I go to search for projects or ideas for activities for Si, I always find that the things that are categorized for toddlers are way too simple for what he is able to do but the things that are classified for preschoolers are beyond the realm of things we have done before.  My question is:  When trying new things, if he doesn't pick it up quickly, how do I know if it's because he just needs more practice or if it's something he is just too young or immature to grasp?  I always want to push him in what he is capable of doing but I don't want to frustrate him or myself by having expectations that can't be met.

Any feedback or advice?

Friday, August 10, 2012

Opportunities for Learning

I am learning more and more that formal teaching setting do not work for a 2 year old, or at least my 2 year old.  He can be coaxed in to reciting alphabet letters from the front of a flash card but he would rather read the "P, S, O, T" from the front of a faded stop sign while running down the asphalt path at the park.  Standing directly beneath it, with his head thrown as far back as his neck will allow, announcing "Momma, Si's S".  Oh yes, the biggest teaching tool I stumbled upon when we began the journey to learning the alphabet was assigning letters to people and things that he cared for.  When learning the W, which was the first letter that I taught him, I had casually pointed to the magnetized letters on the board at the library and declared that it was Daddy's letter, W.  He gradually learned to pick it out from all the others as daddy's letter, then began to give it a title.  He started by calling it a double-daddy and now he has no problem pronouncing the double-u but usually tags on an explanation about who this letter still belongs to.  We went through many of the letters like this; Momma's K, Nay's (Miss Renee from the library) R, Peyton's P, Achelle's (Michelle) M and so on. 

I have tried drilling counting in him but found it hard to get him to focus but what he can do for hours on end is play hide and seek.  So we took advantage of that by instructing to count to 5 and then look for us and then building on it so that he now rushes through a count to 10 but never skips a number.  He does tend to space his tiny fingers apart when he hides his eyes or stacks the game in his favor by guiding you where to hide.  Poor daddy has spent large portions of his day in the dark and hot closet lately but never fails to feign a surprised disappointment when Silas finds him every time.

Si will also practice most any skill if it's called a game.  I now only approach him with the excited declaration of a new game rather than explaining that we will be practicing a new skill.  He likes for Wade and I to sit on the floor right next to him and just play with him.  I have to admit that this is sometimes boring and a bit tedious for me but when I see him picking up a new skill and he looks at me with pride in himself I just can't help but have fun with him. 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I'm Back!

So, I'm back, I think.  I have been going back and forth on the blogging issue for awhile.  I had a really busy year this past year, raising Silas and caring for my niece but I am moving forward in a new direction now.  I miss Genna so much but at least I know that I can still enjoy her as my niece!

 All of that being said, I have been throwing myself in to working on educating Silas to the best of my ability.  I think that this will be the direction that my blog takes because I would love to have a way to document our projects and also his progress over time and I hope that I can somehow help other moms who have the same desires to educate their children.. I can say that while I have not spent time blogging my own writing but I really threw myself in to reading the blogs of others who are parenting, homeschooling, and just enjoying their children and have been very inspired to go full force in the way that God is guiding me to guide my son.  I feel in my heart that Wade and I are fully responsible for sharing the world with Silas and he is, thankfully, very smart and open to learning all that he can.

 Last night I was looking back through his NICU pictures and praising and thanking God for bringing Silas so far.  He was so small and helpless and he has grown to be so sweet and kind and beyond anything that I could have imagined.  I am so glad that God called me to be his mother and that he continues to show me the way in raising him.  It is honestly my desire to someday home school him but Wade and I are split on this issue so I have accepted that we need to pray about it and not plan so far ahead of time so in the meantime I will teach him now.

I am very quick to brag about his skills because I am so proud.  He can now count to 10 easily and stumble through to 20 skipping a couple numbers.  He knows all of his upper case and lower case letters by sight and is learning the alphabet song and the phonetic sounds for each letters.  He knows as many shapes as I do, including the octagon and pentagon.  He saw a stop sign at the park and said "look, momma a orange octagon."  So yeah, he knows shapes but really struggles with colors.  I was worried he was color blind but he can match colors so I guess he just struggles with retaining the knowledge of the color names or something.  I don't know, we will just keep working on it and he will get it.

 I am not exactly sure how to proceed with his education because he has already surpassed my expectations but I will just follow his lead and learn right along with him.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


Too many things make me cry lately, but also always.  I have always been sensitive and I think that's okay but when you feel the sting of subtle snub like a full-out slap then the harsher assaults are almost unbearable.  This last month was one that hit me hard, in reality, which made it indescribable in my sensibilities.  I have not shared this with many people and I think that for some reason it was because I felt ashamed.  I shouldn't be I know but what can make you feel like a worse mother than miscarrying a baby?

It was so early.  I have said this to myself so many many times since December 4th.  That's when the whole process started.  I will myself to see the luck in the fact that it was so early.  It doesn't help much.  There was just so much possibility and the fact that I will never know what was to be, breaks me in to pieces.  I want to give that baby a name but I will settle for acknowledging that it existed.  The more I have thought about my shame the more I realized how unfair it is to deny that this person, that didn't even live long enough to consider the end of it's life a death, ever was.  Nothing about motherhood is rational.  It's all gut and raw bleeding emotion and that makes it hard to comfort myself.  I'm sad that I was not destined to further mother that child but I am proud that it was what it was and I will always remember it.

The loss of that baby has made me remember to love Silas more powerfully than I could have imagined.  I hope that I am meant to have another living breathing child because there is nothing like it but I am blessed beyond all measure with what I have been already given.  I thank God everyday that he chose me for Silas and Silas for me because there is no one that would have loved him more than I do and I loved our little baby that was not meant to be and will meet that little soul in heaven someday and know that I was right to be so proud of it.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

For Silas after 10 years

My Sweet Boy,

You are way too young to know what any of this means but someday we will talk about it and I want to remember everything I can so that I can help you to understand.  10 years ago something terrible happened, something that both daddy and I both watched happen on TV and were affected in a way we will never be able to explain.  We were in high school, marching band first hour together then we split ways.  I walked into Algebra II class, full of dread because we had a quiz and I don't think I passed a single quiz or test in math through my entire high school career, but it was weird because the TV was on in the classroom.  I looked at the screen and they were showing footage in New York.  A plane had hit  one of those tall buildings that break up the skyline, I have still never seen such a tall building in person.  It was crazy and of course everyone was speculating about whether the pilot had fallen asleep or if there was some miscommunication, it was such a strange thing to happen.  We didn't have much time to wonder before things became clear.  As we watched a second plane crashed in to the other tower.  The realization of what this meant came crashing down on all of us.  I am not ashamed to say that I was scared, very scared.

 My mind was racing and I just wanted to find daddy and be with him but we had an entire day of classes left.  The school was so eerie that day.  There was no goofing off in the hallway, no laughter, just quiet, everyone walking with their head hanging.  We watched the footage in most classes and we saw the implosion of the crashing towers.  We saw the dust clouds, you can't imagine what it looked like, all of these people frantically running around covered in a thick layer of gray.  They were like shadows separated from their source...I can only imagine that they felt a little like that as well.  I never knew I would witness such horror in my life but it also lead to some of the greatest bravery, the kind of bravery that will probably never be matched.  While I have a clear memory of this day, I also remember it through a veil of adolescent naivete.  It's hard to navigate through the feelings I had then compared the ones I have now.  The whole world looks so different when you are looking at things as a mommy or a daddy.  I hope that you never have to witness something so awful in your life but I also want you to know that, while you had not been born yet, this is still your tragedy too. 

The entire world was changed that day and came to shape the way of life that you were meant to have.  It has been so long since this happened that I have a hard time imagining an existence that is not so deeply affected by the events of that day but I know that so many good things have happened that have had an equally profound affect on my life, like marrying your daddy and then having you.  Everyday in the world terrible things happen that we will never understand but I believe an equal number of beautiful and amazing things happen that are just as hard to explain.

 On this 10 year anniversary, I thought a lot about that day but I also got to watch you play and sing and dance.  I watched you pout and whine when you didn't get your way and I was equally grateful for all of it because in spite of all of the bad in the world, we are still family and are brimming with so much love that the bad can't get in.  I just ask that you think of those who have lost so much and and pray for them.  Always try to put yourself in the position of others and ask yourself what you can do to help them.  My sweet lovey boy, on this anniversary, I just want you to know that I Love You and nothing will every change that.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Because it's 2 o'clock

It's 2 AM and I am up for the third night in a row because I am achy and my head hurts and I am coughing.  Also, because I am hungry and the me that is responsible and good didn't buy any sweets for the me that is awake in the middle of the night and crazing the best of the bad food.  I have been up to a lot but I don't feel like talking about any of it because I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  I will say that I have been living up to the promise that I make every year about having summertime adventures.  We have had multiple all day trips to the park.  We have hit Bollinger Mill, Jones Heritage Farm, the STL Zoo and the Science Center.  We turned our Carport in to a pretty decent patio and we have spent many evenings out there until we had to squint to see one another in the darkening space.  While I have loved our summertime adventures, I am ready for fall and its bonfires, Halloween candy, and warm apple cider and then winter with its frustrating bundling, possibility for snow and of course Christmas.  I am without a doubt one of those people that is never happy with the current season but I consider that a good thing because there is always something to look forward to.  There will always be another season on its way and an excuse to find new ways to celebrate everyday.  I thank God that I have my little boy to push me to strive to find an adventure at least most days.  I say it's for him that I do it but it's for me too.