Thursday, November 11, 2010

At First Sight

Anyone who has had a c-section knows that it is pretty painful to recover from but I had the blessing of distraction to get me through it.  On the day I left the hospital, I wanted to leave and immediately drive to Saginaw to see my sweet boy but was coaxed by Wade and my concerned in-laws that we might want to at least pick up my pain prescriptions before heading out (I was grateful for their urging later).  The drive over was like nothing I have experienced before.  The closest approximation I have would be the night before a vacation as a kid when painful anticipation makes your heart jump and your fingers jitter.

I kept closing my eyes and picturing my tiny little wonder finally filling my arms.  When we arrived at the hospital my in-laws dropped us at the door, knowing how desperate that I was to take off in a sprint to the NICU.  I let Wade guide me to elevator and up to the 3rd floor.  We walked to the little phone and announced that we were the parents of Silas Christian and were there for a visit.  We walked to the industrial sink to begin our three minute scrub that we would have to do every three hours until the day that we were released.  We walked down the hall toward Nursery 6 which was almost at the end.  We walked in and he was in the first isolette on the right. 

They had a blanket tossed over the top to shield the light and on the end was a laminated piece of construction paper that had his name spelled out and little dinosaur stickers dancing around the edge.  As I stepped around and looked at him, I couldn't believe this was my baby.  I had a lump in my throat because I didn't have an instant knowledge that this was the wiggle creature that I had carried for so long.  The nurse walked over and asked if we wanted to get him out for a few minutes.  Of course I wanted to but first we had to change his diaper.  This doesn't seem like a big deal but when you are holding little tooth pick legs up with each arm in a separate hole in the isolette and wiping off sticky, thick meconium it was a challenge.  Also, his little preemie diapers were still huge on him and had to be tucked and folded to make a suitable cover. 

After we had him secured in his little pamper, Wade instructed me to put a gown on over my clothes.  He opened the isolette hatch and wrapped his bundled body in my arms and truthful that weight I had been anticipating was not there.  He also did not fill my arms even nearly.  It was like holding a doll with lots of blankets.  I smelled his head and held him tight and knew that this was my baby and I can't say for sure but I think that he knew I was his mommy.  My biggest concern while being kept in my separate hospital was that he would not know me.  I feared that his recollection of my voice would fade and my scent would be unfamiliar after staying in the sterile hospital wing, but I think that he knew who I was.  I just kissed him and cried, cried to the point that one of the nurses actually shushed me but I couldn't help it.  I had never been so happy in my whole life.  As I sat there with Wade beside me and my baby in my arms I felt whole for the first time in my life.  I finally got my moment of love at first sight that most women get just seconds after their baby's birth and because I had to wait so very long I savored it in ways that I wouldn't have under normal circumstances. 

1 comment:

  1. I have enjoyed following your blog on the pregnancy and little man's birth! I have yet to meet him but through your pictures on FB I have seen little Silas grow!! He is such a happy baby with one of the sweetest little smiles!

    I personally don't see anything wrong with you crying after finally getting to hold your child for the first time and feel that nurse should have had a bit more compassion!!