Friday, December 31, 2010

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
You're little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I tuck you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up 


This is a selection from a Taylor Swift song that snuck up on me yesterday.  I got her newest CD for Christmas and finally pulled it out of the plastic yesterday and played it while running errands.  There I was parked awkwardly next to the drop box for our storage unit payments trying to stick a flimsy check through and metal-flapped slot and this song starts and the tears start rolling.  My boy was in the backseat throwing a fit and I just wanted to hop out and unbuckle him and hold him so tight.  I think adding to my sentimentality is the fact that he will be spending his first night away from me for New Year;s Eve.  Hence, why I am up at 2:30 AM worrying and thinking about tomorrow night.  Anyway all of you mommas should listen to Taylor's Never Grow Up...and cry so I don't feel like such a weirdo.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

So proud...

I am one of those moms that really wants her kids to grown up to be humanitarians.  I want Silas to help the needy and be grateful for what he has and therefore share with others.  I want him to fight for what he believes in and all that.  I just had no idea that it would start so early.  My boy has taken a stand...a stand for standing.  He his on a sleep strike until the rest of us realize the importance of his standing.  We lay him in his crib sound asleep and he just pops his tiny head (well, it's proportional but he is tiny too) up and grabs the crib railing and just stands.  He refuses to lay or sit anymore.  The kid is devoted too.  He falls and busts his face time after time as he trips over stuffed animals or loses his grip but he cries a few seconds and then yanks himself right back up again.  I don't know how long this strike is going to last but I hope that maybe he loses a little steam for the cause so that we can get a little sleep here soon.
One of his favorite standing aids...a peanut can.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My first Mousey ears!

The First Noel


Our first Christmas turned out to be a lot like parenting so far.  It wasn’t perfect or Rockwell-ish.  We didn’t come downstairs to perfectly wrapped presents under a perfectly decorated tree.  We came upstairs from our room in the basement to presents wrapped with paper so cheap that the corners of the toy boxes poked little holes on most of the edges and the cats had even further opened many of them.  It was a lot of driving with a fussy impatient baby to try to spend a short time with everyone.  It was a treacherous drive from the south through thick slushy ice.  It was a baby who fussed through present-opening because he was still sleepy and wanted to play with each present as he opened them while we were in a hurry to get to our next destination.  


It was all of that but it was also so many amazing things.  It was baby shyly peeking from his nestled spot on my shoulder when he spotted the video camera as we emerged up the stairs for our first Christmas morning together.  It was the way that he chose the books in his stocking over the cars.  It was the way that he just hugged and hugged his little stuffed Batman and daddy’s genes just shone through (his face was shining too with all that nerdy pride).  







 It was the way that he, with little pursed lips and furrowed brows, had to help daddy put together his new fire truck.  Also, true story, it took daddy and Uncle Drew to get the plastic wheels in the thin metal axles of his new favorite toy.  Oh, his face when he climbed on and started to roll.  It was brilliant.  It was the way that he piled on his big boy cousins, just assuming that he was a big boy too.  It was Silas looking up at me to check if something was funny or not and when seeing that I was too laughing, his grin would spread even further.  It was all of the quiet conversations that daddy and I had when baby slept in the backseat.  It was listening to baby scream angrily in the car until Frosty the Snowman came on the radio when he was dead quiet and then picked right back up with the screaming when his song rolled to an end.  It was grandparent love and parental pride and baby joy. 





I am learning that old Norman painted a pretty picture but he didn’t paint the real world the way I see it.  The bad things and the difficult times make the good ones seem better.  If you haven’t tasted vinegar, do you really appreciate the sweet honey?   It makes you want to work like a little bee for that honey and just savor it.  


Working on it

I can't seem to get my Christmas blog written...I am trying to capture it in a way that I will remember it the way that I would like to.  So just know that it will be coming soon.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

PPD

I have read these initials over and over through the last few weeks.  Postpartum Depression. Yep, I've got it.  I have struggled with whether or not I wanted to share this fact here or not because I want to be uplifting and fun and I want to read this 10 years from now and see the happy stuff not this stuff.  But then I am one who like to rally behind causes that are important to me.  When I was diagnose with Fibromyalgia, I got my tattoo.  Hope in purple (the color of the fibro support ribbon).  When I was simultaneously blessed/cursed with having a preemie, I was instantly drawn to support the March of Dimes as well as supporting other groups that help all mothers who need it.  So, I guess I am saying that as I deal with my PPD, I am trying to learn more about it and maybe it will help someone else with it.

At first, I just thought I was really tired.  Then I just thought it was adjusting to our new life back in Cape but then things were getting worse and worse until I was having some pretty bad thoughts.  One day I was just driving to the grocery store and I thought, I am just going to drive off of a bridge.  It was a scary thought.  Since then I have started counseling and am working on getting support from my lactation consultant in getting my doctor to prescribe the medication that I need.  That has been the most frustrating part-the psychiatrist don't want to prescribe the medication because I am breastfeeding.  Their solution is just to wean but I know that there are some medications that are safe to take.  I don't want to wean.  I committed to a year and am well over half way there.  Besides if I quit now I will just have another crazy hormone shift that will make it even worse.

So, it's out there.  All of my attempts at optimism and loving everyday are honest attempts to help me get past this and it is helping but there are days (like yesterday) where I can't stand to hear Silas cry for another second without joining him in the tears and days where I just do all that I can to get him to nap as much as possible because I am just so tired.

I hope that this doesn't all make me sound like a terrible mother because I do love that boy more than anything else and it was his existence that kept me from just driving off the road that day.  I just want to get better so that i can be the best momma that I can be.

Night #3

This is the third night that I have barely slept at all.  It's not even just baby still thinking he is a newborn and still waking up every 2-3 hours (although it doesn't help), I just wake up and am wide awake.  I think that it's Christmas.  I am obsessing over all things to make it the very best first Christmas possible.  I realize that "he won't even remember", that he "will love the boxes more than the toys" and that "next year will be a lot more fun" but this is all for me too.  oh, to see his tin face light up when he grabs the Christmas tree with two hands and throw his eyes toward me in a way that asks "have you ever seen something so great?"  He loves it all and I love him loving it all more than I can explain. 

A few of our Christmas activities so far:

We took him through the park to look at the lights displays, I sat him on my lap in the from (shhh, don't tell) and I excitedly pointed out the lit polar bear and the beautiful stained glass nativity scene and he stared in wonder at...the dash lights.  Yep.  At first I was disappointed but then I decided that as long as he enjoyed his time with us then I didn't care what it was that brought him that joy.

Baking.  We have spent a lot of time baking at Aunt Thurty's place this week.  For me, it has been awesome to get out of the house and just laugh and sing Christmas songs (and eat everything we baked).  For Silas, it meant even more new kitties to torment.  And I swear his first word is going to be kitty because when he sees one, he already says "key".  I also think that they are the reason he is such a good crawler but I told them that they we going to have to walk on their hind legs if they were ever going to teach him to walk.  I also tried to get him involved in the baking process ( I have showed him baking ever since he was a newborn because I told him that someday he would bake for his wife and she would thank me for it) so I gave him his own mixing bowls and oven mitt and put some hot cocoa packets and hershey's kisses in his bowls and he played with them for about 5 minutes which is pretty good for his attention span.

Anyway, lots more Christmas fun (and pictures) to come in the next few days.  Until next time  

Merry Christmas!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

On being an 8 month old

My sweet boy,
You are into everything imaginable.  You are sitting up with ease until you get excited and fling yourself backwards.  If you are bad at math when you get big it is because of the brain damage you have probably gotten from hitting your head so very many times a day.  You love your music toy that you can stand at.  You also fall doing that a few times a day but you usually just sit straight down, pucker out your lip and start working to pull yourself back up again.  You can also pull up to the couch but have less motivation to do so.  I have loved watching you try out every object you come to for its ability to hold your weight.  The bumbo is good for standing with but you have to bend all the way over at the waist.  The arch hanging over your gym is a good height but as you have found many times it flops right over.  Your little canvas cubes buckle in a heartbeat and your eeyore doll just rolls our from under you. 



In just over a week you will experience your first Christmas and mommy and daddy couldn't be any more excited to share such a special holiday with you.  Someday we will teach you what Christmas means but this year, for you, it will be little gifts, family, new foods, and so many camera flashes that you might be seeing sparkles for days afterward.  I hope that we are doing everything that we can to make you happy and help you grow but someday when you are older and you realize all that we did wrong just know that we are doing our very best and that some days are just better than others.  Everyday we love you so very much and live in wonder of your every move.  Your tiny face tells a thousand stories each day and I am trying hard to hold on to every happily ever after that you have to share.

I love you, my little eight month old!

Love, Momma

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

This is harder than I thought

I am really trying to keep up this optimism but I keep getting knocked back down.  I think the biggest factor is that I am pretty sure that I am losing my mind.  I keep forgetting things, and losing things, and backing vehicles into mailboxes (okay, that has just happened once but it hurt the most).  I don't know what it wrong with me but I am pretty sure that my brain is dying from complete and total sleep deprivation and from hearing a baby cry all day long. 

Silas and I are both in a slump from being stuck indoors day after day.  He is also teething and it has made him very grumpy and I can't seem to please him ever.  I am really just feeling like abandoning ship but there is nothing but bone dry land anyway so they would probably just chase me.  I love my family but I am just totally overwhelmed and feel alone in my situation.  I can't seem to find anyone to talk to that understand the way that I am feeling.  I hope it is just still a new momma thing but I am wondering how long it will take for it to pass.

Monday, December 13, 2010

My Tiny Eye Candy

Here are just a few pics from our life:

Playing with his Gym

Hello, you handsome devil, you!

Playing some music

MOOOMMMM!

I love a baby in a plain white onesie!

Stripey pants (Shout out to http://www.theunglamorousmommy.com/2010/12/stripey-pants.html )

Hangin at my crib (Sorry, I know that joke has been made 10 kajillion and a half times)

Basking in a heavenly glow

My attempt at swaddling my not-so-newborn

Yep, he fell asleep with his head inside my pillowcase

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Warning:

There is a vicious beast on the loose in our household.  The beast is responsible for this senseless violence against Wade:



Here is a photographic rendering of the creature approximately one year ago:


Change

Things are brewing that put us right on the horizon of change.  oh, how desperate I am for this change.  It will be challenging and sad but will lead to so much good.  Wade is taking on a second job starting next semester.  He will be teaching a couple of evening classes for Three Rivers.  This will mean more money coming in so that we can finally branch our family tree out into our own forest.  Our roots will still intertwine but there will be less likelihood of becoming root bound.

 Sadly, this will also mean so many hours away from daddy.  It is hard to picture days that will send him out before the baby wakes up and brings him home at bedtime but this will be our means to an end.  I know that this will be temporary and we will get through it.  We might still get stuffy and need to open a window now and then but the door  to opportunity is slowly creaking open.

  I can't express how proud of my second half I am.  He is our loving, nurturing provider and our calm in the storm at the end of hard days.  I can never thank God enough times for sending me my perfect match.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Baby Slingin'

I have engaged in a new activity.  Oh yes, I have been slingin this tiny creature all over the house...and he likes it.  In fact it generally eventually knocks him out.  Nope, this is not a form of child abuse but just me finally getting this baby wearing thing down.  When he was a little preemie he was just to tiny for the slings and then I just kind of gave up on my little dream of skipping through the house with my baby nestled against my chest but we have discovered that is something that we are both finally ready for.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I wish

I have some I wishes but I think of them not in a way that makes me pine for them and end up disappointed but because I never want to stop having wishes.  Here are some current ones:

I wish I lived on the beach.  I have these visions of taking my boy for sunset picnics, letting the tide chase our bare feet as we clumsily run through the sand.  I love salty air and afternoon rainstorms, sunburned cheeks, and fuzzy horizons.  Oh, to live at the beach!

I wish for an activity that reminds me that I am young and maybe even makes me feel like a kid.  I am thinking dance or tae-kwon-do, or some random sport in which I would annoy my fellow teammates because I would never in a million years take it seriously.  I have settled for afternoon dance sessions with Silas.  As it nears the evening, after his afternoon nap and the sun is setting and we are waiting for daddy's 5:01 call, we turn up the music and dance.  Oh, I love to dance and it is so much sweeter when baby giggles compete with my exaggerated singing. 

I wish for my own home.  I want to decorate with baby toys and litter my yard with leaf piles and a kiddie pool.  I want a swing set and a mailbox and quiet mornings.  I want to wake before everyone else and sit in the dark and know that I am where I belong.  I miss that feeling of being home more than I can put into words.  I want Silas to know what his home will be like forever.  This is not do-able at the moment but I know in time we will get there.

I wish for a second car.  I long for spontaneity and having to make a trip to Nash Road to drop Wade to work with a sleepy baby screaming in the backseat then back to Cape then back down at lunch then back home then back to work, home, back to work at the end of the day then home makes a trip to the park seem a lot less worth it.  I really want trips to the park, library, museum, riverfront and many other places to be a part of our daily lives but with all the extra driving involved we just end up sitting at home bored most days.

These are my wishes for now.  Are you listening, Santa?

The Celebration Continues

I swear that having a positive attitude is yielding results...when I am able to maintain it.  I am still having to make an effort at not being so pessimistic.  Friday was a day I chose to celebrate and it was a great day.  We even got an amazing bonus at Wade's work Christmas party.  The party included great food at Mollie's topped off with the best fudge cake I have ever tasted and after a dramatic game of Texas Hold 'em we walked away with a new (pretty amazing) camcorder and a cash bonus.  Merry Christmas to us!  I also took Silas downtown With Tabes, Heather, and I to celebrate the holidays with local merchants.  He even sat on Santa's lap and smiled the biggest smile he could.  I can't wait to see the picture! 

Yesterday, we spent the day at Tabe's and David's just relaxing.  The men (or should I say boys?) spent the day indulging in Magic game after Magic game.  Which for the record, as much grief as I give him, I hope my husband never grows up.  One of the most lovable things about him is that he still loves those childhood activities (comic books, video games) with so much passion.  I know that Silas will have a daddy that he can play with not a work-a-holic consumed with the financial support of his family.  This is a daddy consumed with love support of his family and that is so very much more important. 


Anyway, us girls spent the day playing with baby and while he napped, us ladies napped on the couches with HGTV holiday specials playing in the background the glow from the old fashioned ceramic bulbs strewn on the Christmas tree cast their glow.  It was a great day. 

I realize that I will have moments of late-night dish washing and early-morning laundry but those are just subtle spices in my life pie.  When baked together it tastes like baby giggles, kitten purrs, and whispering to each other in the middle of the night so we don't wake the baby.  It tastes like love, joy, and the inevitable sadness but it tastes great!


Friday, December 3, 2010

Celebrating Today

I have decided to choose to celebrate each day.  I think I will have to remind myself often because I have a tendency toward pessimism but I don't want my baby to be a pessimism.  I want him to know joy everyday and that is up to me.  I have a Christmas party to attend today, for which I got a new outfit which include the first pair of high heels that I have worn since...I can't even remember.  Tonight I am going to take baby with me, Tabes, and Heather to the open house downtown.  I am determined to take him on his first carriage ride.  And this morning, baby is sleeping in and I just had giant piece of cake for breakfast.  That may be the best part of adulthood...eating what you want when you want.  The worst part:  getting fat.  You think there is a connection?  Celebrate today with me like it's a holiday:  a holiday called today.

Woo-hoo!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Freedom is not without consequence

I was so pumped because my mom said she would take Silas for a couple hours this morning.  I really needed a break because yesterday was uber-stressful.  I got my purse stolen yesterday, luckily it just had a bottle of juice, 3 diapers, and a clean outfit that Silas has outgrown anyway in it.  The scary part is that it had mine and Silas's Social security cards in it and my driver's license.  I just keep picturing that these criminal geniuses are out open credit cards in my baby's name. 

Anyway, after all that I was stressed this morning.  My mom picked baby up and I danced back into the house with glee and ten minutes later she called and was laughing.  She said that my dad asked Silas if he wanted out of his car seat and he shook his head yes.  And I missed it.  I can't believe that i am here all day everyday with him and the one day I pass him off, he does something new.  This is always my fear in being separated.  It makes me appreciate that Wade has to be gone everyday and miss little moments like that all of the time.

Oh well, I will console myself with a quiet morning watching an entire episode of a TV show all at one time.