I have read these initials over and over through the last few weeks. Postpartum Depression. Yep, I've got it. I have struggled with whether or not I wanted to share this fact here or not because I want to be uplifting and fun and I want to read this 10 years from now and see the happy stuff not this stuff. But then I am one who like to rally behind causes that are important to me. When I was diagnose with Fibromyalgia, I got my tattoo. Hope in purple (the color of the fibro support ribbon). When I was simultaneously blessed/cursed with having a preemie, I was instantly drawn to support the March of Dimes as well as supporting other groups that help all mothers who need it. So, I guess I am saying that as I deal with my PPD, I am trying to learn more about it and maybe it will help someone else with it.
At first, I just thought I was really tired. Then I just thought it was adjusting to our new life back in Cape but then things were getting worse and worse until I was having some pretty bad thoughts. One day I was just driving to the grocery store and I thought, I am just going to drive off of a bridge. It was a scary thought. Since then I have started counseling and am working on getting support from my lactation consultant in getting my doctor to prescribe the medication that I need. That has been the most frustrating part-the psychiatrist don't want to prescribe the medication because I am breastfeeding. Their solution is just to wean but I know that there are some medications that are safe to take. I don't want to wean. I committed to a year and am well over half way there. Besides if I quit now I will just have another crazy hormone shift that will make it even worse.
So, it's out there. All of my attempts at optimism and loving everyday are honest attempts to help me get past this and it is helping but there are days (like yesterday) where I can't stand to hear Silas cry for another second without joining him in the tears and days where I just do all that I can to get him to nap as much as possible because I am just so tired.
I hope that this doesn't all make me sound like a terrible mother because I do love that boy more than anything else and it was his existence that kept me from just driving off the road that day. I just want to get better so that i can be the best momma that I can be.