Thursday, January 27, 2011

Turnaround

I am finally seeing improvement in my outlook and it is great.  I don't know if it is  the prospect of getting our beautiful knew home in just a couple of weeks (thanks to a fatty tax refund) or the higher dosage of antidepressant that I was finally able to get but today I was happy.  My doctor said that whenever we worked on the biology end of things that everything else would just feel better and he was right.  The best part is that because of it I have been a better momma.  I am ashamed to say that for months I have not really just enjoyed Silas like I would want to.  As soon as he would fall asleep for a nap I would sack him into his bed so that I could do my own thing.  The past two days I have just held and rocked him for a long time watching him sleep.  I won't be doing this all of the time lest expect it to be a given but it was nice to feel such a light and peaceful feeling that I haven't felt since before I was pregnant.  I am just finally feeling content.  Today I felt like motherhood fit on me- not to say there won't be bunching or sagging now and then but the overall feeling is amazing.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dance Party

So, I have this new game I like to play with Silas.  This game comes out when we are both at the end of our patience with the day and we are suffering the greatest with cabin fever.  It rejuvenates us and brings smiles to both our faces.  All that is needed for this game is some blaring music.  We turn up something upbeat-usually rap-and dance to our hearts content.  Well, to my hearts content because Silas would be thrilled if we played dance part all day everyday but I am just not in shape to stay that active.  I appreciate having something to turn to for joy at anytime because some days just feel longer than others and require a little extra fun.  I recommend slow dancing cheek to cheek with a little cherub baby and Silas recommends being dipped as a favorite dance move.  What do you do when you are feeling a slump coming on?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Movin on up...ish

Well, maybe not up but out.  We are finally leaving our little basement bedroom for our own place.  We found a great house to rent in Jackson that had everything that we were looking for.  We are looking to move in the middle of February and couldn't be any more excited.  I have to admt it will be bittersweet to leave grandma and grandpa's house.  I hate that we won't be ablt to show them every little cute thing that he does as he does but I know that they will see him all of the time and we will all adjust.  Anyway, pics to come soon!

Amazed

You know that whole blog title thing...the idea that I live in wonder and amazement everyday now as I muddle through trying to figure it all out?  I just love it.  Yesterday was a bit frustrating because Silas whined all day long.  He would get distracted by something but then remember he was complaining about some phantom issue and pick right back up again.  I am not talking crying or even fussing...he just let out this endless stream of squeaky syllables that were obviously squeaks of discontentment.  So, anyway...that was obviously not where the wonderment came in, this was more the wandering.

We were sitting in the family room playing when he crawled to the bottom of the basement stairs.  Well, much to the frustration of daddy and grandma. I do not believe in helicoptering around B when he plays.  Obviously I am near by to keep him safe but I want him to explore and push his boundaries on what he is able to do because I feel like that is the way that he will learn. So, I rolled my office chair over to the steps and watched what he would do next/  Sure enough, he pulled to stand and rested his hands on the second step up then slid one knee to the bottom stair and pulled the rest of himself up.  He did this all of the way to the top.  He got to the top and sat down, looked down the stairs at me and gave me the proudest smile ever.  I scrambled for the camera but battery was dead.

I am not going to lie, I was terrified as this played out and all I wanted to do was hop in and elevator him to the top but as proud as he was of himself I was even more proud.  I always make this joke likening watching Silas to watching gorillas at the zoo.  It is just so weird when you see them do something so distinctly people-like scratch their nose or climb a set of stairs.  He is just so big and amazing and perfect.  I will gladly suffer through a case of the whinies to experience a feat of strength like that again.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Honestly

  We were in a reoccurring argument last night that always starts the same way.  He is going along being the daddy he knows how to be and to me that isn't good enough.  I expect more.  I can't say whether I am expecting too much or not because I have nothing to compare it to but I guess I expect him to be...like me.  I expect that after hours separated from his tiny that he will busting to cover him in kisses and squeezes.  But, he is subtle. 

He grins at our boy when he walks in the door and, oh boy, you should see the lit up baby grinnin face he gets in return.  He walks over and throws him in the air...always expecting a dose of B giggles first thing and if he doesn't deliver then daddy looks to me with a worried "what's wrong?"  I usually respond with a shrug and an eyeroll because I have listened to him cry all day long and just figured it out on my own.  His eyebrows stay furrowed together until he has some solution to what could be bothering his little son.  It is usually, based on timing, an issue of hunger.  I tell him that he needs to eat,  He asks "what's he eating?"   I usually snap back with "something form the top of the fridge" expecting him to choose what I would and when he inevitably chooses a fruit or veggie that doesn't appropriately match the main course, I jump in to "fix" this mistake.  He feeds him until Silas becomes disinterested and then says "I think he is done."  Then I, of course, step in to finish the job, forcing a few more bites to prove that he was not, in fact, done but it was okay because I fixed it.  I then ask the inevitable question "will you give him a bath?"  Now, I always know the answer to the question because he has only given him 2 baths since his birth.  He is terrified of the incorrect bath temp.  I know this but it gives me another opportunity to loudly sigh and "save the day".  But in all honesty I just love bath time because it is very clearly Silas's favorite time of the day.  Daddy gets drying, lotioning, and dressing duty, which involves a lot of squirming and screaming and I hate it!

So I think I am painting the picture of how things are right now.  Needless to say that things are strained with us when this is the climate of every evening.  But I am writing this so that I will hold myself accountable for my behavior and hopefully change it.  But most of all, I want to say Daddy (my sister asked the other day if having a baby really makes you call each other mommy and daddy and for us the answer is most of the time), It's not you, it's me.  I have become a psycho controlling mommy but I am working on it.  I love and CARE about you but it's hard to love 2 people as much as I do when I was only practiced at loving just the one you before.  I am capable of spreading the love and from today on I will show you that. 

For the others out there, please tell me I am not alone in my momma psychosis because then I would just feel like a total joke for being so honest about all of this.  Share with me something that you do that you would like to change to ease things in your family.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

On being a 9 month old and disappointing visits

So, yesterday was Silas's 9 month visit (he was actually 9 months old on Monday) and, as I always am, I was excited to take him to his Doc and see how much he has grown.  Mommas of preemies probably never get past feeling that rush of their baby's weight gain.  I know that I haven't.  Well, B was 27 1/4 inches long (which put him in the 25th percentile)...he started out a measly 16 inches at birth so he has gained nearly a foot since birth.  That seems so crazy to me.  I can definitely tell he is so long now though. 

I have this thing where i pick him up and tuck him close to me and rock and say "oh, look at my little preemie.  Sometimes he laughs and sometimes he gets mad but I always laugh now because it looks so ridiculous to call this big strong boy a preemie.  He is so long now that when I do it I just tuck his leg behind my arm so that I can just cuddle his torso.  Hah...the more I right the weirder this practice seems.  I think it is just for perspective...to see how far we have come.  I will probably still be trying to do this when he is fifteen.

In more disappointing news his weight has always been in the 5th percentile which made him a tiny guy but he always followed his curve and that was comforting but yesterday he weighed in at 15 lbs 13 ozs, which is nearly quadruple his birth weight, but it put him in the 3rd percentile.  I kept asking , "3rd?"  I was so disappointed by the loss, the loss of his gain.  It's hard to explain to anyone but another momma how it feels for something little like this to happen.  I felt so guilty and judged.  Instantly, my mind starts in on what I have done wrong and am I starving him.  The Dr. looked at all he was eating and said it looked good.  She said we might need to fit in another bottle somehow in the day (considering he still takes 3 at night) and keep doing what we are doing with the solids so that is my goal.  She said the main reason it will be harder for him to gain is because he is just so active so he is burning a lot of calories.  If I could show you a video of how much he moves in a day you would see what she means.  If the boy is not  still for a second.  People don't understand why I am so exhausted by the end of the day until they watch him for even thirty minutes.  That is the one comment that I alwys get from people "he is so active".  So, short of tying him to his seat or something I am going to have to get him to take that one extra bottle.

In terms of development, his gross motor skills are great.  He is sitting , crawling, pulling up, cruising on furniture, and standing on his own for short periods of time.  His social skills are good: waving, playing peek-a-boo.  Where he seems to be behind (once again a blow to my momma confidence), is his fine motor skills and his speech.  He still can't pick up food and feed himself, he scoops with his whole hand instead of his fingers, he isn't bringing both hands together for things.  With his speech, he is still just kind of squealing but really babbling anything.  Sometimes when he sees the cats he will yell "kee" like kitty, I think.  So, because of these little setbacks we are going to look into getting parents as teachers come to help our preemie out.  This makes me excite because it will give me some guidance on what I can do to help my boy out.

I am so proud of my nine month old and the fact that he chases cats, is entranced by the ipad commercial, has a great little shy smile where he tucks in his lips and looks at you sideways from a tucked down chin.  I love how no matter where he is in the room in relation to something that he wants, he thinks that if he just stretches a little further then he can reach it.  I love his still nearly bald head and still completely toothless grin. 

I love that when I got home from the Dr. yesterday and felt that I had been dealt a blow, I could look down and remember that he was still the same boy he had been before the appointment.  We hadn't actually taken any steps back, we were just armed with more information.  I really love that when he is most happy he looks at me first with his grin and that when he is most upset it is my arms he wants to be in...my little almost 16 lb. preemie.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

9 month record down the drain

...Literally, I had to pour my only store of pumped breast milk down the drain last night.  You see, I have to go through this whole process with my milk every time and the process just got lost  in my mind somehow yesterday.  After I pump the milk I put it in the fridge and then when I have the whole days worth pumped I have to put it on the stove and scald it because, for some reason (it has to do with the way the fat in my milk breaks down or something) my milk smells awful when fresh and gives B some bad gas issues but scalding fixes all of that and it is all okay.  Well, yesterday we were in a hurry and I was scalding and didn't set the timer.  I just told Wade to remind me to check it in a couple of minutes. 

Well, about 8 minutes later I was like, oh crap, the milk.  It was completely burnt, like dark brown and a little bit caramelized.  I was so upset because that was the only milk that I had.  I have been struggling with my supply for a couple of months now and have no stash in the freezer.  So, I had to (gulp) give my baby formula.  In all honesty, I didn't mind the giving him formula part and he didn't seem to notice.  It was more the fact that I had made it 9 months without doing so and it was ruined because I didn't set the timer.  I felt like I had been running a marathon and got a leg cramp in the last quarter mile and that part was incredibly frustrating.  Alas, he drank formula for his night time feedings and all is okay today.

I think I just need to let go of my all or nothing mentality.  I am always searching for finality in things when sometimes I think it is just more important to deal with what is right in front of me and if that means that my B will starve if I don't give him some manufactured sustenance then formula it is.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Stream of Consciousness Kind of Week

I have struggled with controlling my own thoughts this week which has made it hard to wrangle in any kind of meaningful blog.  This rambling will be my best effort.  I am really having all of these nagging thoughts about what I want to do with my life.  I realize that my B is only 9 months old but I am already thinking about the fact that he will eventually be going to school and just growing up and that will be my entire life being dropped off with a lunchbox and some cartoon-themed backpack.  I gotta figure out what my life is separate from him before I am so far gone that I have nothing of myself left.  All of this soul-searching feels so Adolescent and Perks of Being a Wallflowerish but it feels like that same lost kind of fear that I felt as I was leaving high school except I don't have the freedom of exploration that I did then.  I am locked into life and am generally happy with where I am but more just fearful about where I am going.  I really feel strongly about wanting to go back to school and finish a degree but I feel even stronger that I don't want to leave my Tiny and future Tinies until I am ready.  I think that all I can do is deal with this stuff as it comes up.

In the meantime, my boy has been so sick.  He had a double ear infection that has cleared up with amoxicillin but then his cough got scary so I took him back to the Dr, and he hast to take breathing treatments because he has spasms in his bronchi's.  I am just praying that it doesn't turn out to be something chronic.  I knew that having a preemie meant that he would be at risk for respiratory issues but it is scary when we are actually dealing with the real life stuff.  The silver lining to all of this is that the breathing treatments have a strange effect on my rambunctious munchkin.  I start the machine and he goes from Tasmanian devil to catatonic in seconds.  It is glorious because it is difficult to get that boy to sit still for even a second the rest of the day.

I think that we have found the house that we want to rent.  It is a 2 bedroom in Jackson and it looks to be in good shape.  I have prayed and prayed for a place to come along with everything that we were looking for but that is tough when you are renting.  But this place seems to have everything.  There is 2 bedrooms, a dishwasher, laundry room, huge yard, carport and they will let us keep our kitties.  There is also a dining room in the front near the living room and kitchen that I think we will use as an office so that we can have plenty of space in our bedroom and my boy can finally have his own room.  I can't wait to finally decorate a nursery.  Sure, the nursery will be for an almost one year old but it still counts.  The property will be ready for showing mid-February which works for us (we are waiting for our tax refund) and barring any dead bodies we will apply for it.  I can't wait!

Some cute pictures from our week:


A look at what twins would look like


Silas, You are like your father (in my best Darth Vader voice)






Playing at the library- he loves it there!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Raising support

So, I have been following another woman's blog for awhile now and just became so inspired by her outlook on life that I am just hooked on every word that she has to say.  In my darkest nights suffering with my post-partum depression when all I could do was cry, I could hop online and go back and read her old posts and be instantly uplifted.  I know that her outlook on life will never be one that comes naturally to me and my tendency toward pessimism but it gives me something to strive for and gives me encouragement that there are people out there who can let the sun shine through them. 

She has been blessed with two little girls and her youngest little lady, Nella Cordelia, is about to turn one.  In celebration of her birth, where they learned that she was one of many little ones born with an extra chromosome, they are raising money for the National Down Syndrome Society.  If you get a chance, check out her blog Enjoying the Small Things at http://www.kellehampton.com/ .  If you feel so inspired, she has a banner at the top of her blog where you can click to donate to Nella's ONEder Fund.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

That's my boy!

I swear my kid is already taking after me in the personality department.  He is super goofy, which anyone who knows me that when I am in the mood i will do anything for a laugh and some fun.  Yesterday, he was still pretty sick and didn't want to eat or drink very much.  I basically sat and force fed him with some of his favorite foods but he would not drink out of a bottle or a sippy.  I was frustrated so I looked around the kitchen for any ideas.  Through my teary eyes I spotted one of the spare syringe from Target pharmacy.  I just imagined how much he loved his medicine and figured I could trick him into some fluid intake.  Ha...it totally worked.  The boy sucked down juice and water for the rest of the day, as long as I gave it to him through the syringe.

Also, to continue his streak of being momma's mini-me goofball.   As I was distracting him from his force-feeding with singing and dancing, I realized a pattern.  I was singing "heads, shoulders, knees and toes" and every time I said "toes" he would wiggle his tiny footie-pjed toes.  He knows what toes are!  I have noticed that he is starting to recognize some words but to me this has been the most amazing.  I can't believe my little 4 lb. newborn knows what toes are!.  I know he is growing up but I am just having a hard time comprehending it. 

Friday, January 7, 2011

First Birthday plans

so, I have been psychotic about planning a first birthday party for as long as I can remember.  I would look up party themes before I was ever pregnant and I was scanning party sites in my first trimester.  It just seem so exciting to celebrate a year of survival for our family.  We have been through a lot as a little trio and we are strong and happy and if that is not enough to celebrate, add in the little one's exit from month-hood into being one solid year old.  You can bet that I already experience welling eyes when I think about it but also so much excitement.  I think I have decided on this theme:

http://www.1stwishes.com/browse/_/N-8/Ntt-little+dino/results1.aspx

It's called Little Dino and I love love love it!

My mind is bursting with ideas to make this birthday that will never be remembered by a one year but hopefully by all the others who will be present.  I am thinking dirt cake with something resembling dino bones, green tinted cupcakes, and dino print cookies.  I am still trying to think of ideas.  If anyone has any cute dino ideas in the next 3 months (I know, I am rushing things) toss them my way!

Rite of Passage

I celebrated a Rite of Passage that goes with motherhood last night.  I spent my first night sitting up with an uber-sick baby.  It was awful- he was all stuffy and coughing.  I finally got him to sleep on my chest but when his daddy went to lay him in his bed he started crying so hard that he couldn't stop coughing and then he was puking warm, thick phlegmy soy yogurt everywhere.  It was about as pleasant as it sounds.

  I was crying because there was nothing that i could do and my boy was just so sick.  I was ready to take him to the ER was the cooler heads of Wade and his momma prevailed and we opted for trying to keep him calm and happy instead. He sat in my lap in the recliner and got relaxed and sleepy...for about 10 minutes.  Then he decided he wanted to get up and play- this was at 11:30 pm on a weeknight (not that parents of babes get sleep on the weekends either).  I was just so happy that he was acting better that I just kept letting him play.  I had started out the day not feeling great myself so I made it until 1:45 in the AM until I tapped Wade's shoulder like beaten and tired wrestler tagging in his teammate. 

Wade walked him around the house for almost another hour until he finally brought a limp baby body back to his bed.  He was pretty much up and down all night long and I powered though my own exhaustion out of pure love and concern for the one who comes first.  We went to see the doc today.  Diagnosis:  Double ear infection.  Prescription:  Amoxicillin, cough suppressant and momma love.  I resisted scribbling that in on the prescription pad and opted to make a mental note.  Needless to say, I am hoping for a well baby and a little sleep tonight.  I am proud to have survived my first all-nighter with a sickie.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Glimpses

I was feeling super crappy this morning so hubs stayed home to care for the baby.  I randomly shuffled out of the bedroom to peak at my sweeties and I loved getting these little glimpses.  I got to see Silas dance to Yo Gabba Gabba (which P.S. is the closest I have ever been to understanding an acid trip) and I got to see him grin through yogurt smeared lips.  I got to see him in all his cuteness but I didn't have to change one diaper or chase after him as he rushes to use the wobbly cat scratching post as a inefficient standing aid.  It sucked to be sick but it was fun to just enjoy all the fun of mommying without any of the work.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Small blessings

I looked in the mirror at my unshowered hair, pasty face and its lack of make-up, tight fitting goodwill t-shirt that already has pureed pumpkin on it.  I spritzed on my favorite Victoria's Secret Noir Tease perfume.  I smiled.  My day starts with small blessings like fancy perfume when I am not going anywhere.  It's an added bonus that my baby boy smells beautiful from all of his be-scented momma hugs.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A goal met!

Before I ever got pregnant I had a huge interest in making baby food for my babies when I had them.  I just thought it was a good way to save money and have full confidence in what I am feeding them.  Well, when B first started eating solid I gave it a go and was disappointed when the food processor left all of the food very lumpy and it impossible for him to eat.  I put my goal aside and chocked it up to my being naive. 

Well, I have recently put us on an incredibly tight budget and started rethinking making baby food again.  I thought that it might require an investment in a new expensive chopper but my mom just so happened to have a magic bullet sitting unused.  She was kind enough to offer it up for our use and it worked wonders on all kinds of food.  I chopped up some left over Christmas ham with apples.  I did some more ham with some cheesy pasta and peas.  I did some left over cheesy pasta with beef and some egg noodles with chicken and cream of chicken with herbs.  The consistency was perfect on all of them and I can't wait to try out new foods and let baby taste test them.  I am just excited to have accomplished something that I was really wanting to.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Goings on

We are on night #3 of a bed time routine and bed time...it is going pretty well.  He has been asleep very close to 8 o'clock all three nights.  Of course he wakes back up at 10...then 1...then 4...then 6...but we are taking baby (almost toddler) steps.

Daddy goes back to work tomorrow (wah wah go the muted trumpets).  He has been home for 4 whole days and I am sure that tomorrow will hold a few tears because I hate any time away from him.

I was so adamant that I wanted to make memories this weekend because I am feeling time slip away.  Well, it was hard to force memorable moments so I wasted most of the weekend being depressed because we didn't have anything big happening.  I think it had to do with post-Christmas fun hangover.  I made up for it a little today though. 

We took Silas to the library to play and read books.  It was so much fun to watch him interact with a new environment.  He was so inquisitive.  He would just study everything  with his eyebrows pushed together and his mouth shaped in an O. 

I am pretty sure that my baby is not going to know his name.  I have called him Baby forever, now I have shortened it to B or I go with B-baby.  Mostly though I call him Pea-pie.  As in I realized how excited he gets when I hide behind a blanket and yell Pea-pie and I use that to get smiles all day long by calling him by the name of the game.

I am getting exhausted trying to come up with things to feed a 9-month-old who is desperate for table food but (still) hasn't gotten any teeth. Any suggestions would be appreciated!


We are working on living on a tight budget to practice for when we forge out on our own again.  It also pushing us to save for that time.  It sucks.  We have basically gotten used to having spending money (as in we can buy groceries without fear of breaking the bank) for the first time since we got married and it was fun but I know that it will feel worth it when we can look around our own home where Silas will have his own room and a place for his things. 

I am not one of those Sancti-moms (Wade's terminology) or at least I try not to be because I think that every parent has to do what works for them.  So this is not me on a soapbox about breastfeeding but me venting my annoyance with facebook right now.  There is a breastfeeding support page called The Leaky Boob http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Bring-back-The-Leaky-Boob/185706648121870 and stupid facebok has shut it down due to it being obscene.  Seriously?  We have all seen some trashy displays of the female form in facebook pics but are breastfeeding pics a part of that group. Just totally ridiculous.

I am really ready to go to bed now but KFVS news keeps alluding to a story about a bunch of dead bird falling from the sky in Arkansas.  That kind of stuff freaks me out and I need to hear the story lest I lie awake all night worrying and wondering.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Practice makes perfect...ish

My boy stood up without holding onto anything for about 20 seconds tonight!  All of that middle of the night practice is paying off.  It suddenly all seems worth the lost hours of sleep...but not really.  It was super adorable though especially because he got scared and started crying but just kept standing there.  he finally plopped down on his bottom and cried for a couple more minutes.  He eventually recovered but hasn't repeated his trick again so far.