Sunday, January 16, 2011

9 month record down the drain

...Literally, I had to pour my only store of pumped breast milk down the drain last night.  You see, I have to go through this whole process with my milk every time and the process just got lost  in my mind somehow yesterday.  After I pump the milk I put it in the fridge and then when I have the whole days worth pumped I have to put it on the stove and scald it because, for some reason (it has to do with the way the fat in my milk breaks down or something) my milk smells awful when fresh and gives B some bad gas issues but scalding fixes all of that and it is all okay.  Well, yesterday we were in a hurry and I was scalding and didn't set the timer.  I just told Wade to remind me to check it in a couple of minutes. 

Well, about 8 minutes later I was like, oh crap, the milk.  It was completely burnt, like dark brown and a little bit caramelized.  I was so upset because that was the only milk that I had.  I have been struggling with my supply for a couple of months now and have no stash in the freezer.  So, I had to (gulp) give my baby formula.  In all honesty, I didn't mind the giving him formula part and he didn't seem to notice.  It was more the fact that I had made it 9 months without doing so and it was ruined because I didn't set the timer.  I felt like I had been running a marathon and got a leg cramp in the last quarter mile and that part was incredibly frustrating.  Alas, he drank formula for his night time feedings and all is okay today.

I think I just need to let go of my all or nothing mentality.  I am always searching for finality in things when sometimes I think it is just more important to deal with what is right in front of me and if that means that my B will starve if I don't give him some manufactured sustenance then formula it is.

4 comments:

  1. Can I just say that I am EXTREMELY impressed that you have been pumping for as long you have. I made it 2 weeks and completely gave up. You are one hell of a mommy! I felt really bad when we started giving Anna formula, but it was completely fine in the end. So, you have to do what you have to do to keep your baby healthy. Don't get down on yourself. Focus on the fact that you breastfed for so long!! You rock!

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  2. Thanks, Lisa! I am so extremely tired of pumping thant I can't even put it into words! I know the next baby we have will either take it straight from the source or nothing because I don't think I would survive another year of exclusively pumping!

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  3. 9 entire months without formula!? That is AMAZING! You did a great job! I cannot believe you pumped exclusively, that is like completing an iron man not a measly single marathon! Be proud of your accomplishments! I know what it feels like having to toss that liquid gold, but it happens to us all for one reason or another! I didn't check the storage bag for leaks, should have heard me as it went all over the kitchen counter. =(

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  4. Thanks, Andrea...and oh, I can just imagine seeing it flow over the counter...it's like watching hours of your life just being sucked away!

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