...Literally, I had to pour my only store of pumped breast milk down the drain last night. You see, I have to go through this whole process with my milk every time and the process just got lost in my mind somehow yesterday. After I pump the milk I put it in the fridge and then when I have the whole days worth pumped I have to put it on the stove and scald it because, for some reason (it has to do with the way the fat in my milk breaks down or something) my milk smells awful when fresh and gives B some bad gas issues but scalding fixes all of that and it is all okay. Well, yesterday we were in a hurry and I was scalding and didn't set the timer. I just told Wade to remind me to check it in a couple of minutes.
Well, about 8 minutes later I was like, oh crap, the milk. It was completely burnt, like dark brown and a little bit caramelized. I was so upset because that was the only milk that I had. I have been struggling with my supply for a couple of months now and have no stash in the freezer. So, I had to (gulp) give my baby formula. In all honesty, I didn't mind the giving him formula part and he didn't seem to notice. It was more the fact that I had made it 9 months without doing so and it was ruined because I didn't set the timer. I felt like I had been running a marathon and got a leg cramp in the last quarter mile and that part was incredibly frustrating. Alas, he drank formula for his night time feedings and all is okay today.
I think I just need to let go of my all or nothing mentality. I am always searching for finality in things when sometimes I think it is just more important to deal with what is right in front of me and if that means that my B will starve if I don't give him some manufactured sustenance then formula it is.