Saturday, March 26, 2011

Late night...?

I am sitting here in a quiet house, both of my boys are in bed snoozing.  It feels like a middle of the night insomniac situation but it's actually only...9:49 pm.  I think the quiet of it all added to my complete and total exhaustion just makes it feel like one of those I am too tired to sleep kind of nights.  I am stressed because Wade seems just totally stressed and I don't know what to do for him.  I have been able to really transform things in my life to make things a lot happier and I want the same for him.  I am just really hoping that some job offers start pouring his way and that if he gets a new job that it will be enough.  My greatest fear for him is that no matter what, he will not find the contentment that he is looking for.  I hope I am wrong about that. 

We are going to church tomorrow.  This is always an intimidating prospect for me anymore because I have become hard to please in this area.  I want to hear a positive message and be surrounded by loving people who make me feel welcome but not be phony and over the top.  I like a big church but I also want someone to know my name.  I want to find common ground. 

I think I have found a couple of honest to goodness friends in my mommy group.  It has been really hard to explain what being a stay-at-home mom has felt like.  The closest that I can get is feeling like I am on another planet that no one else can inhabit.  No one can breathe the air or speak the language.  Except now I have found some fellow inhabitants.  It's not even just that we are moms but some actual commonality.  Shared hobbies and similar tastes.  It's great.  I have never been good at making friends.  I am not trusting of others and have always feared that I was just the butt of everyone else's joke.  I don't want to be a punchline.  While that is still true, I am more confident now and more willing to take a chance on people.

We have Silas's first friend party tomorrow and I am afraid that all of my emotions about his upcoming 1st birthday party will bubble to the surface but I will ty to make it about little Clayton.  I am also excited because I will be informally photographing the party so that will be fun and help me to focus on that party rather than the one that I am so dreading.

It's now 10:02 PM and I am going to try to and get to bed since little Binks will be up in an hour.  Yeah, my so-close-to being a one-year-old still wakes up a couple times a night for a bottle.  I can live with that.


  1. I'm so happy that you found some mommy friends! It's amazing how helpful it is having someone that is going through what you are. Have fun at the party!!!

  2. Thanks! I am kind of excited to see all of the babies jacked up on birthday cake lusting after the presents!