Saturday, March 26, 2011

Late night...?

I am sitting here in a quiet house, both of my boys are in bed snoozing.  It feels like a middle of the night insomniac situation but it's actually only...9:49 pm.  I think the quiet of it all added to my complete and total exhaustion just makes it feel like one of those I am too tired to sleep kind of nights.  I am stressed because Wade seems just totally stressed and I don't know what to do for him.  I have been able to really transform things in my life to make things a lot happier and I want the same for him.  I am just really hoping that some job offers start pouring his way and that if he gets a new job that it will be enough.  My greatest fear for him is that no matter what, he will not find the contentment that he is looking for.  I hope I am wrong about that. 

We are going to church tomorrow.  This is always an intimidating prospect for me anymore because I have become hard to please in this area.  I want to hear a positive message and be surrounded by loving people who make me feel welcome but not be phony and over the top.  I like a big church but I also want someone to know my name.  I want to find common ground. 

I think I have found a couple of honest to goodness friends in my mommy group.  It has been really hard to explain what being a stay-at-home mom has felt like.  The closest that I can get is feeling like I am on another planet that no one else can inhabit.  No one can breathe the air or speak the language.  Except now I have found some fellow inhabitants.  It's not even just that we are moms but some actual commonality.  Shared hobbies and similar tastes.  It's great.  I have never been good at making friends.  I am not trusting of others and have always feared that I was just the butt of everyone else's joke.  I don't want to be a punchline.  While that is still true, I am more confident now and more willing to take a chance on people.

We have Silas's first friend party tomorrow and I am afraid that all of my emotions about his upcoming 1st birthday party will bubble to the surface but I will ty to make it about little Clayton.  I am also excited because I will be informally photographing the party so that will be fun and help me to focus on that party rather than the one that I am so dreading.

It's now 10:02 PM and I am going to try to and get to bed since little Binks will be up in an hour.  Yeah, my so-close-to being a one-year-old still wakes up a couple times a night for a bottle.  I can live with that.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so happy that you found some mommy friends! It's amazing how helpful it is having someone that is going through what you are. Have fun at the party!!!

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  2. Thanks! I am kind of excited to see all of the babies jacked up on birthday cake lusting after the presents!

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