Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Time keeps on slippin

I have struggled to write anything lately.  I have struggled to photograph my boy.  I am sad a lot of the time for ridiculous things.  All I can think is that someday he will be 5 years old, then 15, then he will have children of his own and then he will be an old man. 

This is the natural progression of life and it should be a thing of beauty but I can barely breathe at the thought that this time with my boy will one day be memory.  I am missing out on enjoying my time because all I can do is count the seconds pass and recognize that they are gone and that each time he crinkles his nose or splashes water and kisses his kitty cats they are moments that I may someday forget.  That thought haunts me every waking moment.  I don't want to to live like this, I want to look forward to his growing up and older and feel pride and joy but all that I feel is a step closer to loss.

 I have this dream in my head that I will have a big family and all of my children will someday bring all of their children to my house for Thanksgiving and there are so many of us that we have to pull chairs to the table from all of the nooks and crannies throughout the house- we would be mashed together with fold-out chairs and rolling office chairs and be this big mash up of different types of chairs and different types of people bound together by the love of family.  I think of this and this makes me less sad.