Sunday, September 11, 2011

For Silas after 10 years

My Sweet Boy,

You are way too young to know what any of this means but someday we will talk about it and I want to remember everything I can so that I can help you to understand.  10 years ago something terrible happened, something that both daddy and I both watched happen on TV and were affected in a way we will never be able to explain.  We were in high school, marching band first hour together then we split ways.  I walked into Algebra II class, full of dread because we had a quiz and I don't think I passed a single quiz or test in math through my entire high school career, but it was weird because the TV was on in the classroom.  I looked at the screen and they were showing footage in New York.  A plane had hit  one of those tall buildings that break up the skyline, I have still never seen such a tall building in person.  It was crazy and of course everyone was speculating about whether the pilot had fallen asleep or if there was some miscommunication, it was such a strange thing to happen.  We didn't have much time to wonder before things became clear.  As we watched a second plane crashed in to the other tower.  The realization of what this meant came crashing down on all of us.  I am not ashamed to say that I was scared, very scared.

 My mind was racing and I just wanted to find daddy and be with him but we had an entire day of classes left.  The school was so eerie that day.  There was no goofing off in the hallway, no laughter, just quiet, everyone walking with their head hanging.  We watched the footage in most classes and we saw the implosion of the crashing towers.  We saw the dust clouds, you can't imagine what it looked like, all of these people frantically running around covered in a thick layer of gray.  They were like shadows separated from their source...I can only imagine that they felt a little like that as well.  I never knew I would witness such horror in my life but it also lead to some of the greatest bravery, the kind of bravery that will probably never be matched.  While I have a clear memory of this day, I also remember it through a veil of adolescent naivete.  It's hard to navigate through the feelings I had then compared the ones I have now.  The whole world looks so different when you are looking at things as a mommy or a daddy.  I hope that you never have to witness something so awful in your life but I also want you to know that, while you had not been born yet, this is still your tragedy too. 

The entire world was changed that day and came to shape the way of life that you were meant to have.  It has been so long since this happened that I have a hard time imagining an existence that is not so deeply affected by the events of that day but I know that so many good things have happened that have had an equally profound affect on my life, like marrying your daddy and then having you.  Everyday in the world terrible things happen that we will never understand but I believe an equal number of beautiful and amazing things happen that are just as hard to explain.

 On this 10 year anniversary, I thought a lot about that day but I also got to watch you play and sing and dance.  I watched you pout and whine when you didn't get your way and I was equally grateful for all of it because in spite of all of the bad in the world, we are still family and are brimming with so much love that the bad can't get in.  I just ask that you think of those who have lost so much and and pray for them.  Always try to put yourself in the position of others and ask yourself what you can do to help them.  My sweet lovey boy, on this anniversary, I just want you to know that I Love You and nothing will every change that.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Because it's 2 o'clock

It's 2 AM and I am up for the third night in a row because I am achy and my head hurts and I am coughing.  Also, because I am hungry and the me that is responsible and good didn't buy any sweets for the me that is awake in the middle of the night and crazing the best of the bad food.  I have been up to a lot but I don't feel like talking about any of it because I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  I will say that I have been living up to the promise that I make every year about having summertime adventures.  We have had multiple all day trips to the park.  We have hit Bollinger Mill, Jones Heritage Farm, the STL Zoo and the Science Center.  We turned our Carport in to a pretty decent patio and we have spent many evenings out there until we had to squint to see one another in the darkening space.  While I have loved our summertime adventures, I am ready for fall and its bonfires, Halloween candy, and warm apple cider and then winter with its frustrating bundling, possibility for snow and of course Christmas.  I am without a doubt one of those people that is never happy with the current season but I consider that a good thing because there is always something to look forward to.  There will always be another season on its way and an excuse to find new ways to celebrate everyday.  I thank God that I have my little boy to push me to strive to find an adventure at least most days.  I say it's for him that I do it but it's for me too.