Thursday, January 5, 2012


Too many things make me cry lately, but also always.  I have always been sensitive and I think that's okay but when you feel the sting of subtle snub like a full-out slap then the harsher assaults are almost unbearable.  This last month was one that hit me hard, in reality, which made it indescribable in my sensibilities.  I have not shared this with many people and I think that for some reason it was because I felt ashamed.  I shouldn't be I know but what can make you feel like a worse mother than miscarrying a baby?

It was so early.  I have said this to myself so many many times since December 4th.  That's when the whole process started.  I will myself to see the luck in the fact that it was so early.  It doesn't help much.  There was just so much possibility and the fact that I will never know what was to be, breaks me in to pieces.  I want to give that baby a name but I will settle for acknowledging that it existed.  The more I have thought about my shame the more I realized how unfair it is to deny that this person, that didn't even live long enough to consider the end of it's life a death, ever was.  Nothing about motherhood is rational.  It's all gut and raw bleeding emotion and that makes it hard to comfort myself.  I'm sad that I was not destined to further mother that child but I am proud that it was what it was and I will always remember it.

The loss of that baby has made me remember to love Silas more powerfully than I could have imagined.  I hope that I am meant to have another living breathing child because there is nothing like it but I am blessed beyond all measure with what I have been already given.  I thank God everyday that he chose me for Silas and Silas for me because there is no one that would have loved him more than I do and I loved our little baby that was not meant to be and will meet that little soul in heaven someday and know that I was right to be so proud of it.